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This blog post is up late because I’ve procrastinated writing it. While I’ve confronted the issues I’m about to discuss personally, rehashing them and putting them out onto the internet when I’m a very private person is another thing. Even though my Instagram is currently anonymous, I’m still unsettled…
While I’d always enjoyed makeup, my interest skyrocketed after university. This is how.
I got a job in retail as a stopgap (that turned into a 7-year side gig, but that’s another story…) and began trying to figure out how the hell I was going to get into the work I wanted to do. While I enjoyed my job for the first couple of years, the monotony, lack of stimulation, and difficult management started to chip away at me. This, paired with the great friends I’d made leaving, made my time there really depressing – but I was still too scared to leave.
Around this time, beauty YouTube was booming, and I turned makeup hauls and reviews to zone out from life stressors and mental health struggles. My employer had a sister company which stocked a huge range of mid-high-end brands. Think MAC, NARS, Charlotte Tilbury, Tom Ford…and I had a generous employee discount that was stackable with promotions. This meant up to 40% off everything. While I was earning a low wage, the discount made normally expensive products accessible, and with drugstore prices rising, for a few pounds more, it felt like a no brainer.
I became really fixated on acquiring new, ‘holy grail’ makeup and getting the best deal. It felt like I was achieving something when I wasn’t in the areas I truly wanted to. It kept me busy and also served as distraction and comfort from pain. Bad news? Shop. Health anxiety? Shop. Work problems? Shop. And so, the cycle continued.
There’s a lot of guilt and shame when you have a problem with shopping. I labelled myself as materialistic, greedy, lacking in self-control. I went to great lengths to avoid judgement and conceal my problem. I’d not answer the door when a courier would arrive with yet another parcel so I wouldn’t have them making comments, I’d chose collection options for delivery at different locations so I wouldn’t be recognised as a frequent shopper, I’d hide my purchases from family. There was this low level of shame all the time. But what do we do if we feel bad? Shop.
On top of this, my scarcity mindset made me an even easier target for sales. The fear of running out, or missing the best price, caused me to squirrel away backups and hoard my favourites. Yes, I never ran out of my ‘essentials’ but I did run out of space. It got to the point where I it was really time-consuming trying to find somewhere to put the new thing, time-consuming browsing, time-consuming placing orders, making returns – all of it. I had so much. What was I doing? Did I really want to waste my life and income shopping? My stress-relief was causing me more stress. I needed to kick this.
Stay tuned for Part 2!
